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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I got inside last night via doggy door
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
