You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
