listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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