i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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