when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
this will be a night to untag.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
