I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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