Soap is not a condiment
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
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