i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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