How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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