Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
