So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
