I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
