I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
