I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
