I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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