Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
