when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
