i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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