I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
