"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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