I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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