My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
