WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
In America we eat man semen.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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