I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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