So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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