If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
