What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The power of my boobs compel you
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
