textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
vagina is talking i cant
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
