Say something about gay babies.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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