listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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