dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
