You really coming over, don't trick.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
You know, be my cock's hype man.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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