I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
