I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
