you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
