I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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