he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
