Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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