dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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