Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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