she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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