Betty ford says i'm here all night
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
