you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
