So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
