I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
you had me at cake vodka
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
