Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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