listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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