Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
