She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
