explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
