tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
